I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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