my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
