I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
