You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
