that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
