dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
