the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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