i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
