I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
