I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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