he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
