Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
