I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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