Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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