I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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