how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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