Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
