there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
