Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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