Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
