So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
