Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
