I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
