On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
