I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
