Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
