Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
