Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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