she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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