Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
