i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
