just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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