UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
