Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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