Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize