im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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