I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Is Oprah even human
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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