i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
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