Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
