Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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