Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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