I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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