why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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