I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
