goodnight i made you a song goodbye
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
