I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize