Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Warsđ
You know itâs going to be a rough day when you scream âGet fuckedâ at your alarm clock
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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