New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
