holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
