Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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