Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
