I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
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