there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize