Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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