Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
