i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize