Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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