Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
