What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
