youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
