Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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