wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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