OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize