so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
