sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
