Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
