Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
