Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
