Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
