Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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