guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
