When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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